I’ve had my share of less-than-stellar moments as a mom. It happens. But one that will forever stay stuck near or at the top of my list happened in August of 1988. I’ll call it “The Worst Case of Insensitivity EVER!” We were getting ready to leave the home we loved, to pull into the driveway of my family’s farm–the place that would soon become the home we loved even more. But that evening, when we pulled into the driveway, unloaded the kids and our stuff and prepared to make it “home,” my seven-year-old son didn’t quite see it like that.
You see, home, previously, had been almost two hundred miles south. It was the only home he, along with our three, and one year old daughters had ever known. So, you can imagine (or remember, if you’ve been in this situation) how curious and dubious they were.
To prepare them for the move, we had read The Berenstain Bears Moving Day book countless times. (We still love the B Bears.) It helped. Some. But like Brother Bear, we left our dog, our son’s pony, our church family and friends, and a whole lot of other things behind. We left making the promise to our kids (especially our son) that we would stay in touch with his friends and do our best to make sure they got to see each other now and then. We also promised that in a few months (the following spring) we would get another dog.
Now for the lessons you need to take from this.
Lesson one: Don’t let the words “we will keep in touch” be nothing more than air escaping your lips. If the chances of meeting up again are next to none, don’t give out false hopes, aka, lie to them. Then, if by some chance you do see them, it will be a wonderful surprise for your children! We actually did see them a few times over the first few years. Each time the kids enjoyed being together, but after a while it wasn’t the same or even necessary. Problem solved without you being the object of your child’s resentment.
Lesson two: Don’t treat something special your child has to give up when making a move, as if it isn’t. Telling our son that we would get another dog was comparable (in his little heart and mind) to saying any member of our family was disposable and easily replaced. How could I be so cruel? Talk about a BAD MOM MOMENT! I still, to this day, cringe in shame over that one. So don’t do what I did. Be sensitive to their thoughts and feelings. A pet, after all, really is part of the family, so to treat it like it’s no big deal is the worst kind of deal.
Lesson three: Be attentive and tuned in to how your kids are dealing with the change. One of my granddaughters, who is in the process of relocating as we speak, chooses to find out as much as she can about the place she’ll be going. She talks her thoughts and feelings out, so to speak. Some kids, on the other hand, internalize, which can make you falsely assume they are hunky-dory, while others wear their feelings like a shirt, meaning you can’t miss it. Don’t let yourself be so absorbed in the details of the move or in your own issues with moving, to miss what’s going on with your kids. Moving and all that goes with it doesn’t give you a day (or more) off from being your kids’ best possible parent.
Moving is something a LOT of kids do in their lifetimes. Some more than once…twice, or even multiple times. Whether it be across town, to a new school district, a new community, a different state, or even a whole other continent—the miles aren’t what matters so much to them. It’s the unfamiliarity of their surroundings that makes a child so…so many different things. So, please, be gentle. Respectful. Careful. Honest. Kind. And do your best to make their new home one that on their schedule and in their own time, they will come to know as home sweet home.
