In May of 2011, a day after the Joplin tornado, one of my daughters, who is a nurse, went to help out for a few days. Naturally, she heard lots of peoples’ stories, but the ones that hit the hardest were those of a few toddlers and small children who had gotten separated from their parents. When asked if they knew mommy and daddy’s name(s), some of them only knew their names to be “Mommy” and “Daddy”. I know—it’s enough to make you all teary-eyed right now, isn’t it?
Thankfully, everyone was reunited within a day or two. But that incident, along with several I and several of my fellow mom friends have experienced since then, has given me a lot of food for thought on the matter of who Mom and Dad are to their children. Young children as well as adult children.
The most recent incident happened to a friend of mine. She and her husband decided (like a lot of us do) to downsize, which almost always means moving to a smaller house. Maybe even a different community. It wasn’t like she and her husband packed up and moved without telling their children beforehand. In fact, they discussed it with them quite a bit. But when the move became a reality and Mom and Dad were putting things on the shelves and arranging furniture in their new home, one of their adult children threw a not-so-adult tantrum. She said she would never be able to bring her family for a holiday gathering to ‘that house’ because it’s not home. She just couldn’t believe her parents would do something so selfish as to take away her and her siblings’ ability to come ‘home’ once in a while—to the place that helped make them who they are. The other two were not as angry, but they agreed that they didn’t think it was ‘right’ to leave all those years of family and memories behind.
Wow! Talk about a sucker punch! Especially given the fact that none of my friend’s three adult children live in the community they were raised in. Two of them come to visit no more than once or twice a year, and the other one comes for a long weekend every other month or so. They profess it’s easier for their parents to come to them because they are so busy with their kids. And if the parents (my friends) come to them, they get to see the grandkids participate in their activities.
My friend was in tears. But not for the reason you might think. She wasn’t sad or upset that she had ‘robbed’ her children of their childhood memories. She was sad and downright mad that her children have no problem insisting that they be allowed to live their own lives on their terms and however they wanted, but they weren’t interested in thinking that their parents deserved the same. She was mad that her children expect…insist…demand that they be treated with respect regarding their privacy, the decisions and choices they make, and to be themselves…yet they won’t give them the same level of respect.
All I did for the first few minutes of the conversation was nod my head and offer words of encouragement, assuring my friend that she and her husband hadn’t done anything wrong. But when she asked me what I thought, this is what I said…
“I understand. I’ve been in your shoes now and then in some situation or another. I also know that sometimes we are guilty of trying to hold on and that we’re not always the best at masking our thoughts and feelings when they do things differently than we would. But this is not one of those times. This is an instance in which your kids are doing the very things to you that they demand you not do to them. For all their talk about insisting you accept them for who they are and be okay with the choices they make, they aren’t willing to give you the same. Now, as for what to do about it, I’m not sure.”
We volleyed a few options back and forth before she decided how she would handle the situation. And for those of you who are inquiring minds that want to know, the jury is still out. She’ll know in a few weeks.
But here’s the message I want to give to adult children. It’s one I’ve spoken of before, but obviously bears repeating. Your parents are no less deserving than you are of being themselves, living their lives, and making choices that may or may not be agreeable to you. If you want them to accept and appreciate you for who you are now, vs. always see you as a child, you have to accept and appreciate them for who they are now, vs. who they were when you were growing up.
